Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
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"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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