a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
