I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
