Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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