we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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