I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
