she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
they're like a gay fantastic four
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
