this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
