If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
