I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
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Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
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I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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