I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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