If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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