Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
