Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
