In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
