Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
