Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
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I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
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I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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