The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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