Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
