I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How does one acquire holy water?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
