went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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