you guys were way drunker than both of me
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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