who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
