He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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