it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
