So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
