You're my little dorito
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
