Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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