I just saw a hot homeless man
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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