Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
