Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
