if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize