3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
