I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
