omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
