I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
