Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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