also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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