I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's never too late to be topless.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
