Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
