apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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