i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
not ubering you a puppy
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
