i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
