Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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