I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
