Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
