i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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