3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
