Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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