Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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