if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
