That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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