im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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