your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If I die, sorry about rent.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
