I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
