chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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