so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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