Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
