Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
