dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
