I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
time to smoke my breakfast
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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