Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
