As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
