Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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