everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
