I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
